A Series of Unfortunate Falls
by RockSunner
Summary: The Baudelaire orphans have been sent to live with a distant relative, their Grunkle Stan in America. Will he be able to keep them safe from Count Olaf and the many local dangers?
1. The Trapped Tourists, Chapter 1

The Baudelaire orphans have been sent to live with a distant relative, their Grunkle Stan in America. Will he be able to keep them safe from Count Olaf and the many local dangers?

The Baudelaires and other "Series of Unfortunate Events" characters are owned by Daniel Handler. The Gravity Falls characters are owned by Alex Hirsch and Disney.

**A Series of Unfortunate Falls**

**Book 1 – The Trapped Tourists**

**Chapter 1**

I hope that, as a reader, you normally seek out books on pleasant subjects, so as not to distress yourselves and go mad with grief, as I, Lemony Snicket, have done. I have the sworn duty to record the unfortunate lives of the Baudelaire orphans. But you do not have the duty to read about them, so I advise you to look elsewhere for your entertainment.

The Baudelaire orphans: Violet, Klaus, and Sunny, have been followed by ill luck since the day that they lost both their parents and their home in a terrible fire. They have moved from one temporary home to another ever since, always pursued by the nefarious (a word which here means "absurdly evil and sneaky") Count Olaf, who is after their enormous fortune.

* * *

"Fix up the attic room, Soos," said Stan Pines. "I have relatives coming to stay here."

"Dipper and Maple, right, Mr. Pines?" asked Soos, his handyman. (The girl's name was actually Mabel, but Soos was confused about that, as he was about many other things).

"No, I had to turn them down as guests for the summer," said Stan. "There's a relative of mine from an obscure European country..."

"What country?" asked Soos.

"I dunno, maybe England. They speak English, anyway. My sister's daughter died, leaving a crazy will that said her children have to be raised by a close relative. They tried some closer relatives and it didn't work out, so now I'm elected."

"What happened to the closer relatives, Mr. Pines?"

"I hear they were murdered," said Stan.

"I don't have a good feeling about this," said Soos.

* * *

The bus arrived at a building which was dilapidated (a word which here means, "poorly-maintained and with a sign that had a letter that was about to fall down"). Just as they arrived, the letter "S" fell off of the words "Mystery Shack," leaving "Mystery Hack."

There was a puff of smoke and an elderly man appeared. He wore a burgandy fez, he had an eye patch over his left eye, and he carried a cane with an eight-ball on top.

"Welcome, tourists, to the Mystery Shack!" he shouted. "Come one, come all, and be amazed."

"There are no tourists on this bus this time, only us," said Violet, coming down the bus steps. "I'm Violet."

"Hello, you must be our great-uncle Stan," said Klaus, also descending. "I'm Klaus."

"Sunny!" said Sunny, crawling out after them.

With a loud fit of coughing, the final member of the party exited the bus. "And I (cough cough) am Mr. Poe, banker and temporary guardian of the Baudelaire orphans, here to hand them over to you."

"Welcome," said Stan. To the banker he said, "I hear they have a big fortune. Do I get money for their upkeep?"

"Certainly not," said Poe. "Their fortune must remain intact in our bank until Violet comes of age, at age 18."

"How old is she now?" asked Stan.

"I'm 14," said Violet.

"So, I'm supposed to raise these kids at my own expense for four years?" asked Stan.

"Precisely," said Poe. With another coughing fit, he climbed back up into the bus. "Goodbye, children. Enjoy your new home."

The Baudelaires and Stan looked at each other with growing dismay.

"I hope you guys can earn your keep around here," said Stan.

"I could help you invent flashy special effects for your tourist attraction," said Violet.

"I've read a lot of books and I can do research for you," said Klaus.

"Bite!" said Sunny, showing her two sharp teeth.

"Hmm," said Stan. "Well, there's always sweeping up, straightening, chopping wood..."

"This begins to remind me of Count Olaf," said Violet. "Although I'm sure you will be much nicer."

"Count Olaf?" asked Stan. "Who's that?"

"We need to warn you about our first guardian," said Klaus. "He's a terrible villain who is after our fortune. He's a master of disguise. So far, his disguises have fooled everyone but us."

"F'sade," said Sunny, which meant, "So if we tell you we see Olaf in disguise, please believe us."

"Can your kid sister talk?" asked Stan.

"She's a little young for that, but we can understand her baby-talk," said Violet.

"About Olaf, don't worry. I'm pretty hard to trick. Can't con a con, they say," said Stan.

"Con?" asked Sunny.

"Figure of speech," said Stan. "Not that I'm a con-man, or a convict, or anything. I'm just a conny old man, I mean, a canny old man."

The Baudelaires looked at one another uneasily. Little did they know the unfortunate horrors in store for them in this most unusual town.

"I'm your great-uncle, so you can call me Grunkle Stan."

"Griglet?" asked Sunny, which meant, "Is Grunkle a real word?"

"Manners, Sunny," said Violet. "Pleased to meet you, Grunkle Stan."

Klaus said, "Pleased to meet you too, Grunkle Stan."

Stan ignored the politeness. "Your mother was Jewish, and so am I. Were you raised Jewish?"

"Mazeltov!" said Sunny.

Stan blinked and looked again at Sunny. "She understands a lot, doesn't she? I can see her as an attraction: the World's Smartest Baby. Is She a Baby or is She a Grownup?"

"You'd make our sister a sideshow attraction?" asked Klaus.

"Yeah, and we can glue dog hair on you and make you a wolf-boy who dances for money," said Stan. "Got a problem with that?"

"Not really," said Violet with a sigh. "It's the kind of thing we've become used to."


	2. The Trapped Tourists, Chapter 2

**The Trapped Tourists, Chapter 2**

The Baudelaires were working in the Mystery Shack gift shop. Violet was dusting Stan bobble-heads, Sunny was on the floor near the freezer licking up Popsicle drips, and Klaus was sweeping near the front counter.

Two other employees were there: Wendy, the red-headed cashier, who was sitting behind the counter and reading a magazine; and Soos, who was hanging a new "No Refunds" sign on the wall.

"How do you like it here so far?" Wendy asked Klaus. "Too much work, I think."

"Walee," said Sunny, which meant, "I seldom see you doing any."

"We've had worse," said Klaus. "Like the one at a lumber mill."

"Really? My dad's a lumberjack," said Wendy. "Mill work might be interesting."

"We had to strip bark from logs with hand tools," said Violet.

"Gnaah," said Sunny, which meant, "And teeth."

"Bummer," said Soos. "I don't like chewing wood. I get splinters in my gums."

Stan came in carrying a pile of signs. "All right, all right, look alive, people. I need someone to go hammer up these signs in the spooky part of the forest."

"Brex!" said Sunny, which meant, "Count me out!"

"I would prefer not," said Violet.

"The same with me," said Klaus.

"Uh, also not it," said Soos.

Stan said, "Nobody asked you, Soos."

"I know, and I'm comfortable with that," said Soos.

"Wendy, I need you to put up these signs!" said Stan.

Wendy pretended to reach for the signs from where she sat on the other side of the room. "I would, but I, ugh, can't, ugh, reach it, ugh..."

"I'd fire all of you if I could," said Stan. "All right, let's make it... eenie, meenie, miney... you."

He pointed at Klaus.

"Grunkle Stan, I don't like going out into those woods alone," said Klaus. "It might be dangerous. There are also mosquitoes. Just look at these bites on my arm. There are so many that they almost spell the word BEWARE."

"That says BEWARB," said Stan. "Look, kid. The whole 'monsters in the forest' thing is just local legend, drummed up by guys like me to sell merch to guys like that."

He pointed to a large bald man who was laughing at a Stan bobble-head.

"I don't think my brother is afraid of legendary monsters," said Violet. "Some of the people we're met are monsters enough for anyone."

"Olmé!" said Sunny, which meant, "Count Olaf and Esmé, for example."

"Quit being so paranoid!" said Stan. "Go!"

He thrust the handful of signs at Klaus, who took them with a sigh.

"I'll do it, but you'd better do something about that tourist you just pointed out to me," Klaus told Stan in a quiet voice.

"Why?" asked Stan.

"He's not a tourist. He's Count Olaf in disguise," said Klaus. "He has a bald wig and padding to look fat, but I would know him anywhere."

"Does he have money?" asked Stan.

"He didn't used to, but he probably has some from his rich girlfriend, Esmé Squalor," said Klaus.

"Then he really is a rich tourist. I'll try to get him to spend a bundle here before I boot him out."

"Be careful, he's killed our guardians before."

"I can take care of myself, kid."

* * *

Klaus returned from his errand and spoke to his siblings. "Is Count Olaf gone?"

"Looks like it, for now," said Violet. "Grunkle Stan punched him and kicked him out after you left, after he bought a bobble-head for fifty dollars."

"Good. Finally we have a guardian who can recognize Olaf," said Klaus.

"Eeswood," said Sunny, which meant, "And he's tough."

Klaus produced a dusty volume with a six-fingered hand on the cover.

"I found a metal tree when I was putting up signs," said Klaus. "Inside a panel in the tree there was a switch which opened a secret compartment in the ground, and inside that was this book."

"Frout!" said Sunny, which meant "Fascinating."

"What kind of book is it?" asked Violet.

"It's supposed to be the journal of a man who researched this area for years," said Klaus. "But it's probably fictional. It has all sorts of entries about monsters and ghosts. The kinds of things Grunkle Stan says are just legends to fool tourists."

"Gbusta," said Sunny, which meant, "Maybe it's real."

"It was hidden in an unusual place, with an advanced mechanical opening device," said Violet. "I'd like to study it and see what we can learn about the inventor."

"When we have some free time, I'll take you there," said Klaus.


	3. The Trapped Tourists, Chapter 3

**The Trapped Tourists, Chapter 3**

The Baudelaires were investigating the strange tree which had revealed "Journal 3" to Klaus.

"This certainly is an unusual tree," said Klaus.

"Bogoose," said Sunny, which meant, "It's totally fake."

"I believe the whole thing is made of metal," said Violet. "And look up there – that branch looks like a switch."

"I see what you mean," said Klaus.

"If we had some way of getting up there, we could see what happens when we pull it," said Violet.

"Grapgook!" said Sunny, which meant, "Why not make a grappling hook, like the one you used when you tried to rescue me from Olaf's tower?"

"Excellent idea, Sunny," said Violet. "I'm sure I can find the materials I need among the odds and ends at the Mystery Shack."

A shambling figure in a dark hoodie came up to them as they stood looking up into the tree.

"'Sup?" he asked.

Sunny looked at him with suspicion. "Notanks!" she said, which meant, "If you're inviting us to supper, we don't take food from strangers."

"Sunny, I think he is trying to say 'What's up?'," said Klaus. "That's a standard greeting in America."

"Yeah. Hi." said the figure, waving a white-gloved hand.

"Hello, I'm Violet, and these are my siblings Klaus and Sunny."

"I'm Normal...man."

"Normalman?" asked Klaus. "Is that a nickname for Norman?"

"Uh... yeah. You can call me Norman."

"Norman, are you from around here, or a tourist?" Violet asked.

"My family lives deeper in the woods," said Norman. "Violet, would you like to go out with me? I can show you around the forest."

"I'm really not up that," said Violet. "I recently had a very bad experience with an older man who tried to force me to marry him. I've decided not to date until I'm older."

"That's too bad," said Norman. "You wouldn't get married, even if you could become a queen?"

"I would have become a countess, and I would have been miserable," said Violet.

"You sure you don't want to go out with me?" asked Norman. "We could have lots of fun."

"Violet said no," said Klaus firmly.

"Greep!" said Sunny.

"My little sister means we're getting a creepy vibe from you,," said Klaus. "In fact, you remind me of a illustration in this journal I found. Look at this..."

Klaus flipped open the book, intending to show the page on "The Undead," but the book opened by accident to the page on "Gnomes."

Norman recoiled at the image of a little man with a pointy hat. "How did you know? I thought our disguise was perfect."

"What are you talking about?" asked Violet. "'Our disguise'?"

The figure pulled off his hoodie and let it drop to the ground, revealing five bearded little men standing in a stack, two on each side and one on top. The top one had formed the head of "Norman." The two below him were holding fake wooden arms with white gloves on the ends, padded to look like hands.

"We're gnomes," said the top one. "I'm Jeff, and here we have Carson, Steven, Jason, and... I'm sorry, I always forget your name."

"Schmebulock," said the one on the bottom left.

"Schmebulock!" said Jeff, snapping his fingers. "Yes! Anyways, long story short, us gnomes have been lookin' for a new queen! Right, guys?"

"Queen, Queen, Queen!" chanted the others.

"So what do you say, Violet?" asked Jeff. He tapped Steve with his foot, and the whole figure assumed a kneeling position. "Will you join us in holy matrignomey? Matri...matri-_mo_-ny! Blah! Can't talk today!"

"I told you I'm not interested," said Violet. "I'm too young."

"We understand. We'll never forget you, Violet," said Jeff.

The Baudelaires relaxed a bit.

"Because we're gonna kidnap you!' said Jeff.

The gnomes disassembled and charged at Violet.

Though they were outnumbered, the Baudelaires had become accustomed to difficult situations and immediately fought back.

Sunny jumped at Jason and bit him hard on the leg. The pain made him vomit a rainbow.

Violet kicked Jason away, but Jeff grabbed her by the arm.

"Let go of my sister! Or else..." said Klaus, holding the journal like a bat.

Jeff said, "Do you think you can stop us, boy? You have no idea what we're capable of. The gnomes are a powerful race! Do not trifle with the..."

Klaus batted him away with the journal. Violet picked up Sunny and they all ran.

"You've messed with the wrong creatures, boy! Gnomes of the forest, assemble!" shouted Jeff.

Steve said, "We're not deep enough in the woods, boss. There aren't any gnomes around but us."

"Rats!" said Jeff. "Chase them anyway."

Gnomes have the uncanny ability to join themselves into one giant being. Had there been enough of them, they might easily have captured the Baudelaires and carried off Violet to be their queen.

As it was, the longer legs of the children allowed them to easily outdistance the gnomes and reach the safety of the Mystery Shack. With all the tourists standing around the place the gnomes didn't dare let themselves be seen. They slunk away into the forest.

"Gloseone!" said Sunny, which meant, "That was a narrow escape."

"We know one thing now," said Klaus. "At least some of the entries in this journal are true."

"Maybe they all are," said Violet.

"This is going to take some research," said Klaus. "One thing we have to take seriously is what it says on the first page."

"Whazzat?" asked Sunny.

"Trust no one," said Klaus.

"Except each other," said Violet. "We always have each other's backs."

"Awksibhug?" asked Sunny.

"Yes, awkward sibling hug," said Violet.

They hugged and patted each other's back.

"Patpat!" said Sunny.

* * *

Later, Grunkle Stan said, "Uh, hey! W-wouldn't you know it? Um, I accidentally overstocked some inventory, so, uh... how's about each of you take one item from the gift shop? On the house, y'know?"

"Really?" asked Klaus.

"Is there a catch?" asked Violet.

"The catch is do it before I change my mind, now take something."

Sunny selected a small replica of the "Stone that Looks Like a Face" as a chew toy.

Klaus got a map of the area to help his research.

Violet found something in a box behind a counter. "Just what I need."

"Wouldn't she rather have, like, a doll, or something?" Stan asked Klaus.

"No, I want this," said Violet. "A grappling hook."


	4. The Curmudgeonly Counterfeiter, Ch 1

**The Curmudgeonly Counterfeiter, Chapter 1**

The next day, Grunkle Stan announced, "Today we'll close up shop and have a family bonding day!"

"What will we be doing?" Klaus asked.

"An art project. I'm gonna see if you three have a good eye for detail."

Stan led them to a workroom where he had laid out pens, paints, and rectangles of paper. He placed in the center of the table a one-hundred dollar bill.

"See if you can make really good copies of this, kids."

"But, isn't that against the law?" asked Violet.

"Nonsense, it's just for fun," said Stan. "Grab a brush."

Violet said, "I've drafted blueprints before. I can do the line work and lettering."

Klaus said, "I've read books about painting, so I can try that."

"Vangou!" said Sunny, which meant, "I'll mix the colors."

* * *

Hours later, after they had made many bills and hung them up to dry, Stan was still critical of the results.

"You call that Ben Franklin? He looks like a woman," Stan said to Klaus.

They heard police sirens, and a flashing light appeared in the window.

"Uh-oh," said Stan.

Two police officers burst in. One was tall and skinny, the other short and fat.

"We got a tip y'all were up to no good," said the short one.

"Your snitch is wrong, Blubs," said Stan. "This is a harmless family art project."

"I dunno, Sheriff," said the skinny one. "I don't see any of them fitting counters."

"That's counterfeiting, Deputy Durland," said the Sheriff. "Making fake money."

"Oh, that's right," said Durland. "Sorry, Sheriff."

"No problem Deputy," said Blubs, "Right or wrong, you're always a delight to work with."

"Come along, all of you," said Duland. "We're taking you to the county jail."

"The three of us are juveniles," said Violet. "We shouldn't be put in an adult jail."

"It doesn't work that way in Gravity Falls," said Blubs. "The town founder said all criminals will be treated equally. No matter how old you are, everyone is tried as an adult."

"So we could sent to prison with hardened criminals, much older and tougher than we are?" asked Klaus.

"That's right city boy," said Durland with a giggle.

"Figeers," said Sunny, which meant, "As we might have expected, things are going badly for us again."

* * *

They were all put in one cell. Fortunately for them, there were no other older and tougher criminals there (besides their Grunkle, of course).

"It's cold in here," Klaus complained.

"We could huddle together for warmth," suggested Violet.

"Good idea," said Stan. "Gather around and keep me warm, kids."

"Glupoff," said Sunny, which meant "You got us into this, so stay away."

They heard the voices of four people coming down the corridor. Two were Blubs and Durland, and the other two were strangely familiar to the Baudelaires.

Blubs said, "Folks, I want to introduce two out-of-town police officers who are helping us with your case. Meet Officer Luciana and the famous Detective Dupin."

Officer Luciana wore a helmet covering her entire face, so that only her smiling red lips could be seen.

Dupin wore a loud turquoise blazer, and a pair of silver pants decorated with tiny mirrors that glinted in the lights of the jail corridor. A pair of enormous sunglasses covered the entire upper half of his face, hiding his one eyebrow and his shiny, shiny eyes. Bright green plastic shoes with yellow lightning bolts sticking out of them covered his ankles, so that no one could see an eye tattoo on his left one. Most unpleasant of all, he had no shirt, only a thick golden chain with a detective's badge on it.

"Count Olaf!" said Violet, looking at Dupin.

"Esmè Squalor!" cried Klaus, looking at Luciana.

"It's not cool to call Detective Dupin by the wrong name," said Dupin, snapping his fingers.

"Sheriff Blubs, you have to believe us," said Violet. "He's no police officer, he's a terrible villain. He's been after us for months, for our fortune."

"I vouch for him," said Officer Luciana. "He's a world-famous detective."

"And why should you take her word for that?" asked Stan.

"She's his girlfriend, and just as much of a villain as he is," said Klaus.

"Yecch!" said Sunny.

"I vouch for her," said Dupin. "She's a famous police chief."

"If a famous detective says so, that's good enough for me," said Blubs.

"Me too," said Durland. "He must be a great detective, since he tipped us off about you fitters."

"Sheesh!" said Stan. "Unbelievable."

"You two can run along and take the night off," said Luciana to Blubs and Durland.

"We'll take care of the prisoners for you," said Dupin.

"Thank you kindly," said Blubs. "We could use some quality together time, right Durland?"

"Yes, Sheriff," said Durland.

The two started off down the corridor.

"Wait!" called Violet.

"Don't leave us here with them," called Klaus.

"Goofs!" called Sunny.

Stan said something unprintable, but it was too late. The two officers were gone.


	5. The Curmudgeonly Counterfeiter, Ch 2

**The Curmudgeonly Counterfeiter, Chapter 2**

Olaf said, "Well, now that those fools are gone we can get down to business."

He took off his sunglasses, revealing his one eyebrow and his shiny, shiny eyes.

Esmé Squalor removed her helmet, revealing the face that the children had learned to hate. "That's right, and at last I'll have my revenge for the stolen sugar bowl."

"You're getting the kids over my dead body," said Stan.

"That's the idea," said Olaf. "Esmé, there must be a gun somewhere in this police station. Get one for me, will you?"

Esmé nodded and went to look.

"You can't get away with shooting our Grunkle," said Violet.

"Yeah," said Stan. "What she said."

"The great Detective Dupin will plant evidence that it was you children who tried to get away with murder," said Olaf. "You turned on your guardian, killed him, and one of you escaped."

"One of us?" asked Klaus.

"If you can call being spirited out of Gravity Falls by one of my assistants to be an escape," said Olaf in his wheezy voice. "The other two will be tried for murder and be sent to prison for life. That is, until I can arrange for you to be murdered by your fellow inmates. You bratty orphans are too stupid to realize it, but a genius like me knows that it only takes one child to inherit a fortune."

Olaf laughed a loud and rude laugh. "But I don't want to be cruel," he said, smiling to indicate that he really wanted to be as cruel as possible. "I'll let you three decide who gets the honor of spending the rest of their pathetic life with me, and who get to die in prison."

"We absolutely refuse to entertain the notion," said Violet.

"Frulk!" said Sunny.

"Right, Sunny," said Stan. "That's close to a word I would say about all this."

Esmé returned, frowning. "I can't find a gun anywhere, darling. Only nightsticks, tasers, and a piñata."

"Ha!" said Stan. "The police don't use guns in this town. Local ordinance TVY7."

"Blast them," said Olaf.

"Also, I think they took the keys to the cells with them," said Esmé.

"Double blast them," said Olaf, pulling a large throwing knife from his pocket. "But I can still kill the old man and take the brats when they're transferred to a more secure facility."

"Just try it," said Stan. "If you don't kill me on the first knife throw, you ain't gonna like where I throw it back."

Stan and Olaf stared at each other for a few seconds. Olaf turned his head away first.

"We'll have to wait until morning, when they are taken to their hearing," said Olaf. "Come on, Esmé."

"Grub!" said Sunny.

"My sister means, 'May we have something to eat?'" said Klaus.

"Even bread and water would be better than nothing," said Violet.

"There's no rule in this town that we have to give you anything," said Esmé. "So we won't."

The two villains left, laughing together.

"Too bad," said Violet. "I was hoping to use bread and water to dissolve the mortar between the bricks and escape."

"That deus ex machina is impossible now," said Klaus.

"Whuzz?" asked Sunny.

"That's a Latin term that means 'the god from the machine'," said Klaus. "It means something helpful that arrives when you least expect it."

"Doesn't sound like it would have worked, anyway," said Stan. "You can't dissolve a brick wall with bread and water."

"You'd be surprised what works for us, sometimes," said Violet. "Never mind, I have a backup plan."

* * *

The next morning, Blubs and Durland were back, accompanied by Olaf and Esmé in their false identities.

"It's time for your bail hearing in court, miscreants" said Esmé. "Not that you could possibly make bail."

"You should be the ones to take us to court, Blubs," said Stan. "After all, you captured us and you deserve the glory."

"It would be more cool for Detective Dupin to do the honors," said Olaf.

"No, Stan's right," said Durland. "The Sheriff and I want to do cool stuff, too. You can take them back to jail afterward."

"All right, we can wait," said Esmé with a sinister smile.

* * *

"Do you know the Justice who will hear this case?" Violet asked Stan when they were in the courtroom.

"They call 'em judges in this country," said Stan. "It's Judge Judith, and that's not good. I had a run-in with her a few years about a llamacide."

"A llamacide?" asked Klaus. "You mean...?"

"That llama knew too much," muttered Stan. "Never mind that now."

The hearing proceeded, with Blubs and Durland showing off the painted bills they captured as evidence.

"Your honor, this was just a family art project," said Stan. "We were never going to use them to try to buy something."

"That's right," said Violet. "It's play money for a game Stan was creating for us."

"It's not just play money, young lady," said the Judge. "Not if it says on it: 'This note is legal tender for all debts public and private.' That makes it counterfeit, and punishable by law."

"I did the lettering and I know what it says," said Violet. "Look more closely."

The judge put on her reading spectacles and read slowly, "This is not legal tender for all debts public and private."

"That doesn't matter," said Olaf.

"As a matter of fact, it does," said Judge Judith. "I rule that this is play money. Case dismissed."

* * *

Stan made a quick phone call from the court building.

"We're going home," said Stan. "Soos is picking us up, and I asked him to bring weapons. Nobody's taking you away from me today."

"We'll get you next time, Baudelaires," said Olaf, stalking away with Esmé.

"We'll be ready for you," said Violet.

"Blargeet!' said Sunny.

"That was good planning about the lettering, Violet," said Stan. "How did you think of it?"

"I've learned to be very careful of the letter of the law," said Violet. "You're going to have to be more careful too, Grunkle Stan."

"I'll try," said Stan.

He was crossing his fingers behind his back.


	6. The Gruesome Gobblewonker, Ch 1

**The Gruesome Gobblewonker, Chapter 1**

The Baudelaires were eating breakfast in the Mystery Shack kitchen. There was a local tabloid on the table, the "Wacky News," but it appeared to be of such poor quality that even Klaus wasn't tempted to read it.

Violet said, "This is better food than we've had in quite a while."

Klaus said, "It beats the gum at the Lucky Smells Lumberyard, anyway."

"Stncake!" said Sunny, which meant, "I found some of Grunkle Stan's hair in one of my pancakes."

"But we have two kinds of syrup," said Klaus. "Sir Syrup and Mountie Man. It's odd how this town doesn't seem to have big name brands of anything."

Stan came into the room. "Good morning, knuckleheads. You three know what day it is?"

"Your birthday?" asked Klaus.

"Mazel tov?" asked Sunny.

"It's Family Fun Day, geniuses! We're cuttin' off work and having one of those, you know, bonding-type deals," said Stan.

"Grunkle Stan, is this going to be anything like our last family bonding day?" asked Violet.

"The county jail was so cold," said Klaus.

"Doop!" said Sunny, which meant, "Olaf almost got us."

"All right, maybe I haven't been the best guardian," said Stan. "But I swear, today we're gonna have some real family fun. Now who wants to put on some blindfolds and get into my car?"

"What?" asked Violet and Klaus together.

Sunny gasped and looked horrified.

"Nothing bad, it's for a surprise," Stan assured them.

"No blindfolds," said Violet.

"Sorry, but after all we've been through we have trust issues," said Klaus.

"All right, if you insist on spoilin' the surprise. It's the first day of fishing season, and we're gonna go to Gravity Falls Lake," said Stan.

* * *

"You're gonna love it!" said Stan. "The whole town's out here."

The Baudelaires looked out on the lake and saw a wild assortment of bizarre activities. Lazy Susan was trying to coax fish to jump into her frying pan. Toby Determined took a flash picture of a man with a fish, causing the man to fall backwards into the lake. Manly Dan was punching out a fish in front of his sons, while Tyler the biker cheered him on.

"Panda!" said Sunny, meaning that it was a pandemonium, a word which here means a wild assortment of bizarre activities.

"That's some quality family bonding!" said Stan.

"Grunkle Stan, why do you want to bond with us all of a sudden?" asked Klaus, still a little suspicious.

"Come on, this is gonna be great! I've never had fishing buddies before. The guys from the lodge won't go with me: they don't 'like' or 'trust' me," said Stan, making air quotes around the words.

"All right, we will fish with you," said Violet in a subdued voice.

"Great," said Stan. "I know what will cheer you sad sacks up. Have some family fishing hats I hand-stitched myself."

He gave them hats with the words, "CLAUS", "VIOLET", and "SONNY" sloppily sewn on. The "T" fell off Violet's hat, leaving "VIOLE."

Stan said, "It's just gonna be you, me, and those goofy hats on a boat for ten hours!"

"Ten hours?" asked Klaus.

"I brought the joke book!" said Stan, holding up a book entitle, "1001 Yuk 'Em Ups."

"Maybe instead you could tell us more about our grandmother, your sister," said Violet.

As they walked up to the dock to find Stan's boat, a wild-eyed man with a long white beard came running up.

"I seen it! I seen it again! The Gravity Falls Gobblewonker! Come quick before it scramdoodles away!" said the old man, crashing into people before breaking into a wild dance.

"Who is that?" Violet asked Stan.

"Old Man McGucket, the town kook," said Stan. "And that guy coming up to spray him is his son, Tate.'"

Tate, a middle-aged man with a baseball cap over his eyes, sprayed McGucket with a bottle of water, as if he were a misbehaving cat.

"Hey, hey! Now what did I tell you about scaring my customers? This is your last warning, Dad!"

"But I got proof this time, by gummity!" said McGucket, pointing to a wrecked boat at the dock. Behold! It's the Gobble-de-wonker what done did it! It had a long neck like a gee-raffe! And wrinkly skin like...like this gentleman right here!"

He pointed to Stan, who said "Huh?"

"It chawed my boat up to smitheroons, and shim-shammed over to Scuttlebutt Island! You gotta believe me!"

Sheriff Blubs was there, and he said, "Attention all units! We got ourselves a crazy old man!"

The Baudelaires didn't laugh; they didn't find Blubs and Durland amusing. Tate didn't laugh either. He shook his head in shame at his father's antics.

McGucket walked off saying, "Aw, donkey spittle! Aw, banjo polish!"

"Well, that happened. Now let's untie this boat and get out on that lake!" said Stan, untying his rowboat, the "Stan O' War."

As they prepared to cast off, Soos pulled up to the dock in a larger boat.

"Hey, Mr. Pines," called Soos. "Remember you told me to look for ways to make extra money? Look at what I found in the Wacky News today."

Soos opened the paper and showed them a "Monster Photo Contest."

"It has a prize of one thousand dollars!"

Stan said, "Kids! Change of plans: we're taking the boat to Scuttlebutt Island, and we're gonna find that Gobblewonker!"

"Monster hunt! Monster hunt!" yelled Soos.

McGucket moved in and also yelled "Monster hunt!"

The Baudelaires stared at him.

"Monster... Eh... I'll go," said McGucket.

Violet said, "You realize it's probably just his imagination, right Grunkle Stan?"

"There's not really a Gobblewonker in the lake," said Klaus.

"Bogoose!" said Sunny.

Stan lowered his voice and said, "Yeah, but if we go and pretend to find something, I fake up a photo for the contest and win the grand prize. A prize of one grand, that is. Heh."

Soos said, "Dudes, you could totally use my boat for your hunt. It's got a steering wheel, chairs; normal boat stuff."

"You're on," said Stan. "We can get around faster that way."

"I just thought of something," said Klaus. "What if it's Count Olaf?"

"How?" asked Violet.

"He could have a submarine shaped like a sea monster," said Klaus. "Maybe he tested it out by wrecking Old Man McGucket's boat."

"Precd," said Sunny, which meant, "He's never done anything like that before."

"Maybe... it's possible," said Violet. "There's nothing evil he wouldn't do."

"I really doubt he has a submarine," said Stan. "But if he does show up again I'll handle him. Let's go."


	7. The Gruesome Gobblewonker, Ch 2

**The Gruesome Gobblewonker, Chapter 2**

The Baudelaires were about to head out in Soos' boat to Skuttlebutt Island.

"Let's go," said Stan.

"After we get sun screen," said Violet.

"Coptone!" said Sunny, which meant, "I am susceptible to sunburn."

"And instant cameras," said Klaus.

"What do we need cameras for?" asked Stan. "It's not like we're really going to take pictures of a monster."

"But you will need realistic natural backgrounds for your fake pictures, right?" asked Violet.

"I'll help you PhotoBop them," said Soos. "I'm pretty good with computer special effects."

* * *

They got back on the boat, with the sunscreen and seventeen disposable cameras. Stan was carrying a large barrel.

"What's that, Grunkle Stan?" asked Klaus.

"I found this barrel of fish food sitting behind the store, unguar... I mean, available extra cheap. We can use it for bait when we get back to fishing," said Stan.

"Permission to taste, Mr. Pines?" asked Soos.

"Permission granted," said Stan.

Soos grabbed a piece of chum from the barrel and put it in his mouth, then gagged and spit over the side. He rubbed his tongue, trying to get the taste off.

"Dude, I don't know what I expected that to taste like," said Soos.

The boat drifted through the fog toward the island. Stan was driving the boat.

"Klaus, you need to be a lookout," said Violet. "I think Stan is going too fast for the foggy conditons."

"I will. Look out, Grunkle Stan!" Klaus said, suddenly spotting the beach ahead.

It was a moment too late. The boat ran aground on the beach.

"We made it, anyway," said Stan. "Come on."

Violet got off the boat, carrying Sunny in her arms. The others jumped out and they began walking along the mist-covered trail. They came to a sign saying "Scuttlebutt Island."

Soos covered the first part with his arm. "Hey look, Butt Island."

"Sorry, I don't find that very humorous," said Violet.

"I do," said Stan. "You kids need to lighten up."

"Breft," said Sunny, which meant, "Don't expect humor from kids who have recently lost their parents."

"Did you hear a strange sound just now?" asked Klaus.

"It's not my stomach. That usually makes whale noises," said Soos. "Listen."

Sunny leaned over and listened. "Mjesstk".

While they were distracted, a possum ran off with their lantern.

"I can't see anything," Klaus complained.

Soos said, "Dudes, maybe this isn't worth it."

"It's worth it," said Stan. "Just think of that thousand dollars I'm going to win."

"Give me a few minutes and I'll make a torch for us," Violet suggested.

"Let's keep going," said Stan. "The fog will lift soon and we won't need a light."

They set off toward the other end of the island. They heard a strange noise and a flock of birds took off into the sky.

"This is it," said Stan. "Get your cameras ready for some good background shots for my fake pictures."

They saw a mist-shrouded outline that looked like the sea monster ahead, but when they ran closer it turned out to be a bunch of old barrels with a clan of beavers chewing on it.

Soos was delighted and took many pictures of the beavers. The others were disappointed.

"What was that noise, then? I heard an engine noise," said Klaus. "It might be Count Olaf in a submarine."

They looked over and saw one of the beavers was playing with an old chainsaw, which was making a growling noise.

"Maybe that old man damaged his own boat," said Violet.

"Exentrk," said Sunny, which meant, "He wasn't a reliable witness."

"Like, we got to see some animals, anyway," said Soos. "I love beavers."

"Let's back up and get those shadows that looked like a sea monster," said Stan. "With a little work that will be perfect for the contest."

Then they heard a splash, and a huge shape headed their way.

"That shadow looks even better," said Stan, aiming his camera as the others backed away.

"Graaaagh!" growled the Gobblewonker, snapping at him.

"Run!" shouted Soos, scooping up Violet, Sunny, and Klaus with great upper-body strength.

Stan turned and ran also. They rushed down the trail, with the sea serpent slithering behind them and pushing trees out of its way as it went.

They jumped back into the boat. Soos got it going, but the monster still pursued them. Stan tried to take a picture, but the lens in his camera was cracked.

Soos was going to throw the rest of the cameras at the monster, but Violet stopped him.

"Wait, Soos," said Violet. "Keep us ahead of the monster for a minute while I make an invention from these."

They were chased all over the lake. When they crashed through the beaver barrels, the boat became full of the animals, chewing on everything they could. One grabbed Soos by the face. Sunny grabbed beavers and bit them back. Stan, Soos, and Klaus got busy pulling off beavers and throwing them back into the water while Violet steered with one hand and worked on her device with the other . When they finally got all the beavers clear, they were headed for the Gravity Falls waterfall and it looked like they were going to be cornered by the monster.

"Head for the waterfall! There might be a cave under it," said Klaus. "I read that in... a book somewhere."

"Might be?" asked Violet. "We can't take that chance. Here, take my invention, aim it at the monster's face, and push the button."

Klaus took the device, which had all the flashes from the instant camera wired together with all the batteries.

FLASH! It went off with a blinding light right in the monster's eyes.

Violet swerved the boat away from the waterfall at the last instant, but the blinded Gobblewonker headed straight in and crashed.

"We got it!" said Stan. "Let's go back and get some pictures. I still have one camera left under my fishing hat."

Violet piloted the boat up to the waterfall. They found there was indeed a hidden cave. The Gobblewonker had tried to follow them, but it got stuck in the narrow entrance. Its head and most of its body were inside, blocking the way in.

The head could not be seen, but Stan took some pictures of the back end of it anyway.

Klaus approached the beast and rapped on its side. "As I suspected, it's a submarine. Olaf may be in there."

"I'll give him another knuckle sandwich," said Stan, rolling up his sleeves.

A hunched, bearded old man popped out of a hatch at the top of the monster. He saw them looking at him. "Oh, banjo polish!"

"Old Man McGucket?" said everyone in a surprised chorus.

"I just wanted attention. And I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling kids... Now, why did I say that?"

He told his story, and it turned out McGucket had built giant robots before when he had grievances with people.

"I hoped to catch my son's fancy with a fifteen-ton aquatic robot," said McGucket. "In retrospect it seems a bit contrived. Us old-timers will do most anything for a little quality time with our family."

"Did you ever talk to your son about how you felt, Mr. McGucket?" asked Violet.

"Nope, just got straight to work on the robot. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to fix up my death ray," said McGucket, going back into his robot.

"Well, so much for the photo contest," said Klaus.

"Whaddya mean?" asked Stan. "These tail shots look fine from a distance."

"We don't want to get a lonely old man in trouble," said Soos.

"Says who?" said Stan. "Anyhow, we got our monster hunt done. Time to go back and get in a few hours of fishing."

"All right," said Violet with a sigh, turning the boat around to head back to the dock.

Stan felt in his pockets. "Hey, I lost my book of Yuck-It-Ups."

"You could still tell us about our grandmother," said Violet.

"All right, if you want. Sherman and Shermaine were twins, my two older siblings," said Stan.

"Twins with almost the same name?" asked Klaus. "That's odd."

"It happens more often than you might think," said Stan. "If a family doesn't have much imagination."

"Pathy," said Sunny, meaning "That's sad."

"Shermie married a guy named Quimby and had two daughters, Ramona and Beatrice," said Stan.

"And Beatrice married Bertrand Baudelaire," said Violet. "Our parents."

"Right," said Stan.

"What else can you tell us about Grandma Shermie?" asked Violet.

"There was a mysterious secret society she got involved with," said Stan. "The same one my old man was in, the Royal Order of the Holy Mackerel. Also known as the Venerated Fish Delegation..."

The kids had a good time fishing with Stan that afternoon. There was enough of a roll of film left to take several family pictures.

* * *

Count Olaf piloted the octopus-shaped submarine (which he had stolen from the V.F.D.) under the small boat. He was ready to surface and capture the orphans when there was a sudden crunch.

The real Gobblewonker had grabbed a couple of the long "arms" of the submarine in its mouth and bitten them off.

With water gushing in, Olaf was forced to make a hasty retreat.

"I'll get you next time, Baudelaires!"

* * *

Stan submitted his Gobblewonker photos, but they didn't win. The judges called them obvious fakes, given Stan's reputation for chicanery. The prize went to Deputy Durland, who entered a UFO picture. The UFO in question looked suspiciously like his hat hung from a string.


	8. The Wicked Waxworks, Ch 1

**The Wicked Waxworks, Chapter 1**

The Baudelaires were sitting on a faded yellow armchair in the living room of the Mystery Shack, watching "Ducktective" on the TV.

There was a crime scene where a man's legs could be seen sticking out of a telephone booth.

The Constable said, "I'm afraid your services won't be required here, sir. My men have examined the evidence, and this is obviously an accident."

Ducktective quacked, with a caption that read, "An accident, constable? Or is it... murder?"

The show cut to a commercial.

Violet said, "It seems like the writers are deliberately making the police look foolish so that the duck will appear to be a genius by contrast. It's not very realistic."

Klaus said, "I don't know. In our own experience, we had to solve several cases for foolish adults. Like the supposed death by snakebite of Uncle Monty, or the fake suicide note of Aunt Josephine."

"Caneerd!" said Sunny, which meant, "We're the real Ducktectives around here."

Soos came running in. "Hey, dudes, you'll never guess what I found!"

"Treasure?" asked Klaus.

Soos gestured for them to follow, and they went down a dark, sloping hall to a door which had been covered with wallpaper.

"So, I was cleaning up, when I found this secret door, hidden behind the wallpaper. It's crazy bonkers creepy!"

Soos handed a flashlight to Violet, who shined it around the room. There were figures of Richard Nixon, Shakespeare, Coolio, and many others.

"It's a wax museum," said Violet.

"They must have been here a long time," said Klaus.

Sunny touched the figure of Sherlock Holmes. "Elmentry," she said, which meant, "They're very realistic, except that Holmes is a fictional character."

"This one doesn't seem very real," said Violet, shining the light on the figure of a bent old man.

The figure turned around suddenly and said, "Hello!"

Everyone screamed in surprise.

"It's just me, your Grunkle Stan!" said Stan with a chuckle.

They all screamed again, and Soos ran away.

"What's the matter now?" asked Stan.

"We're afraid you've gone crazy," said Violet. "Sneaking in here and hiding in the dark, standing still and posing as a waxwork in hopes of scaring us."

"Just a little fun, is all," said Stan.

"It's all right," said Klaus.

"Goofuss," said Sunny, which meant "Typical Grunkle Stan. We should have expected it of you."

Stan turned on a light. "Behold the Gravity Falls Wax Museum! It was one of our most popular attractions... before I forgot all about it. I got 'em all! Genghis Khan, Sherlock Holmes, some kind of, I don't know, goblin man?"

(The last was a wax figure of Larry King.)

The Baudelaires found the room rather creepy, but they didn't say anything.

Stan said, "And now for my personal favorite: Wax Abraham Lincoln, right over-" he stopped, looking at a wax blob which had melted in the sunlight from a window. "Oh! Oh no! Come on, who left the blinds open? Wax John Wilkes Booth, I'm looking in your direction! How do you fix a wax figure?"

"I'm afraid none of us are wax sculptors," said Violet.

"Never mind," said Stan. "Soos! Come and shut this room back up again. I'm not ready to try the wax museum again, especially without a replacement for Lincoln."

Stan went back to the gift shop. Violet helped Soos seal up the room. Sunny licked and replaced the wallpaper as best she could. Klaus examined the hallway.

"It's strange how much larger this place seems from the inside," said Klaus. "Violet, do you think you could make a diagram of the floor plan?"

"I think so," said Violet. "This hall slopes down a bit. I believe this room is below ground level, with just a bit of window showing from under the sloping sides of the Mystery Shack."

Sunny crawled down the hall and pushed at a large wooden bookcase.

"Do you think there's something behind there too, Sunny?" asked Soos. He pulled the bookcase away from the wall, revealing a hidden door. "Mystery door! This old Shack is full of weird secrets."

The Baudelaires and Soos went in. The room had a sky-blue shag carpet on the floor, a sofa with a pull-out bed on one side, and a bathroom on the other. In the back, a prism on top of a bookshelf cast a rainbow on the wall.

"This is a really nice room," said Violet.

"It could be a bedroom," said Klaus. "Maybe we could use this instead of the splintery attic?"

"Askstan?" said Sunny.

They went to talk to Stan about it, and he didn't seem to happy at first. "Another room I gotta clean up."

He checked out the room with them, and Violet noticed that he pocketed a spare pair of glasses from a side table.

"This solves our bedroom problem," said Stan at last.

"You mean, we can use this as our bedroom now?" asked Klaus.

"No, you stay in the attic. This means there's room for your cousins to visit for the summer. I had to turn them away when you guys got placed here."

"Cousins?" asked Violet.

"Yeah, your second cousins, Dipper and Mabel Pines."


End file.
